Breakdown

I had a low self esteem, self defeating moment today. I'm not proud of my actions or of the fact that I allowed myself to cower in fear instead of facing the world but stuff like this happens to everyone, right?

Here is the scene:
It was one of those mornings where you peacefully drift back to sleep after silencing your alarm only to wake up an hour later in pure panic mode. I catapulted out of bed and rushed to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I then proceeded to throw on an outfit without giving it very much thought. I then sloshed some coffee in a travel mug (essential) and sprinted to my car. Once in the car I realized I hadn't grabbed a sweater, not that I wanted due to the 80 degree weather. I NEEDED that sweater. My arms couldn't go out in public in a cap sleeve shirt, could they? I felt the need to roll over and die of embarrassment. Yes, all of this this melodrama over the idea of people seeing my arms. Needless to say I panicked... I turned the car around, parked at my house, and then went right back inside. During this whole time I knew I was being ridiculous but I just couldn't make myself face the world with these bare arms. How I envy my friends who wait all year for the possibility of Sun and shedding off those obnoxious layers of clothing that restrict them all winter. I feel the exact opposite, I find myself dreading the warm due to this obnoxious necessity of exposed flesh and the pure vulnerability of it all.

This experience this morning really made something click. Whereas before I wasn't really trying to lose weight. Maybe I was talking about it because I think when people see me they expect me to be trying. Truthfully I've slipped, I've gained weight back that I swore I never would. I have vivid memories of standing on scales and gleefully shouting goodbye to a certain weight with such gusto that I knew it would never come back. I was wrong. I lost control. Can I come back from this? I'm scared to try again. Scared to fail. Upset with myself for letting it get this far. Upset for forgetting how hard I worked and all that I sacrificed.

I hope I'm back. I think I'm back. I know I'm back.
I can do this because I need to do this.
Wish me luck and hope that I persevere because it isn't stating your goals that is difficult it is the follow through.

Happenings

yummy soft boiled egg with shredded basil and little toasts for dipping

I've become addicted to Skinny Iced Caramel Macchiatos


The start of chicken curry



Thai Chicken with Asparagus (recipe from Good Housekeeping)



Baked apple with cinnamon on top of 1/2 c non fat vanilla frozen yogurt and 1/2 a graham cracker that I crumbled


My new spinach breakfast scramble


I'll admit it, I've become obsessed with this new breakfast. I eat it every morning and find myself becoming sad when I am not home to make it. The best part about this dish is that it not only keeps me full but it's healthy.
1 egg + 1 egg white
1/2 cup frozen spinach (I typically add a little more but I LOVE spinach)
1 garlic and herb laughing cow cheese wedge
2 turkey sausage links (already cooked)
1 tsp canola oil (feel free to use spray I just add this to get a WW healthy oil in)

Whisk the egg and egg white together and then add the spinach to the eggs and whisk a little more. Heat oil over medium and then add egg mixture to pan. After the egg has cooked for about a minute add the cheese and sausage until it is fully incorporated.


Everyone deserves a little treat, right?

Mini Reeses and Mini Mint Chocolate cupcakes from Hot Pink Cake Stand

That's Amore

Have you ever had a weekend that seemed to nourish your soul? Right now as I am lying in bed reflecting on my weekend and absentmindedly watching Sex and The City I am able to really appreciate the past weekend. I was alone with a book and episodes of Criminal Minds, that I had been recording all week. There were bubble baths, plot twists, and chocolate... it was perfect. Saturday night a couple of my friends come over and we decided to make a pizza from scratch along with a chocolate cake. After we finished our pizza we wandered out for coffee and to stop by an old friends bon fire. I did something odd at the coffee shop, well at least it was odd for me. I ordered a hot chocolate rather than my typical coffee. Did I mention it had marshmallows? This is a step. A monumental step. I let myself enjoy something without obsessing about the fact that I was drinking liquid calories. I didn't even put up a fight when the barista accidentally made it with whole milk. I simply took the steaming chocolate filled delight and savored its heavenly aroma and pure taste. It was in that moment that I think everything clicked. For years I have been saying never deprive yourself and you can can have whatever you want in moderation, I don't think it was until this moment in my life that I actually did there was always that little voice in the back of my head going "you could have an apple instead." It felt good to control the hot chocolate and not vis versa and while for years I may have thought I had a handle on my eating I realize now I was wrong; I was being judged by the most harsh person I've ever met, myself. I think this is the first major change I've noticed and that I need to get accustomed with. At the end of the day food should be for pleasure not fuel and while there are a multitude of healthy alternatives to make your food scrumptious I think we should all remember that there is nothing wrong with the occasional hot chocolate.

Random Moments

(Don't you love it when you forget that you've ordered something)




Today I am thankful. Thankful for old friends, good food, and new life.
My pictures depict little parts of my day such as my delectable salad from Brasserie du Soleil with lemon vinaigrette and our Pot de Creme and Chocolate Peanut Butter Mousse desserts.


I miss California today. Not just for the yummy pho that lives there but mainly because my sister is ever so far away.

Broiled Grapefruit?

Breakfast: Mini bagel with garden vegetable cream cheese and hot tea: 200 calories
Lunch: Garlic Noodle bowl with chicken I sauteed in teriyaki sauce: 320 calories
Snack: a little less than half of a broiled grapefruit sprinkled with stevia: 45 calories and a dark chocolate with vanilla bean Godiva gem: 50 calories

Total thus far: 615

Two posts in one day! Unbelievable, right?
I desperately miss taking pictures of my meals, a weird thing to miss I know, so I figure that I will start that up again. In addition to my real accountability parter I want to involve you all in my continuance of the getting healthy campaign. While I don't want my 2011 to be primarily focused on weight loss it is still something that is going to be happening this year. Maybe I won't take pictures of everything I eat but I will provide the updates and hopefully they will be often.

Breakfast: 250 calories
Thomas mini bagel with cream cheese and lox: 215 calories
Cup of coffee with half and half: 25 calories
Tangerine: 10 calories

Lunch:
Spinach and cheese ravioli with marinara sauce and grilled chicken: 420 calories
Snack piece of sausage a grapefruit soda: 180

Dinner: Chips and salsa/ pita and hummus and one bite of a cookie

Total: 850 calories

In the new year

Happy New Year!

"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."
— Mark Twain

While I spent the majority of the first day of the new year in a day after too much champagne stupor,I have a sneaking suspicion that 2011 will be my favorite year yet. I know that this may be a wee bit premature considering that it is only the second day of the year but for me 2011 signifies something much more than another passing year; it is the year when everything changes. In a few short months I will be graduating from college and hopefully moving 2,000 miles away to the west coast. Each of these things are monumental in themselves but when combined they have the ability to be utterly terrifying.

In all honesty, I am way too excited to be scared at the moment. It feels like all of the little moments from the past 21 years are finally culminating and forcing me to push myself in ways that were previously unimaginable. So before I start talking about molting and condensing my life into sounding like an after school special I figure it is time to talk about goals.

First off I know that the beginning of the year is typically when people challenge themselves with seemingly impossible expectations such as: "this year i am going to lose 100 pounds, speak to animals, and learn to fly!" yada yada yada you get the point. This year I decided that my resolution would be something doable and most importantly something fun. So, without further ado my new years resolution is simply to wear lipstick. I believe this all sprouted from a certain eighties party a few months ago (picture to follow) where I decided it would be an awesome time to buy a tube of red lipstick that I had been coveting for weeks. While the wearing of the lipstick in the physical sense isn't really a big deal it is more about the feeling I got from trying something new and not being concerned about what people think. Ideally the wearing of the lipstick is meant to encourage me to be brave, take chances, and always be willing to try a new shade even if the old one is working for me. While I do have a few weight loss aspirations (and a new accountably partner) for the new year I am not allowing my weight to make or break how I feel. While I fully support others for making their new years resolution about weight loss goals I know that for me it would cause guilt and anger if I didn't fully succeed. I need my 2011 to be about acceptance and bettering more than just the physical. I hope you will all send me good vibes while I am seeking this acceptance and know that I wish you luck and courage this new year. I also hope that you have fun finding that perfect shade of lipstick or at the very least have fun searching for it.

Cheers

Drewe