I had a low self esteem, self defeating moment today. I'm not proud of my actions or of the fact that I allowed myself to cower in fear instead of facing the world but stuff like this happens to everyone, right?
Here is the scene:
It was one of those mornings where you peacefully drift back to sleep after silencing your alarm only to wake up an hour later in pure panic mode. I catapulted out of bed and rushed to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I then proceeded to throw on an outfit without giving it very much thought. I then sloshed some coffee in a travel mug (essential) and sprinted to my car. Once in the car I realized I hadn't grabbed a sweater, not that I wanted due to the 80 degree weather. I NEEDED that sweater. My arms couldn't go out in public in a cap sleeve shirt, could they? I felt the need to roll over and die of embarrassment. Yes, all of this this melodrama over the idea of people seeing my arms. Needless to say I panicked... I turned the car around, parked at my house, and then went right back inside. During this whole time I knew I was being ridiculous but I just couldn't make myself face the world with these bare arms. How I envy my friends who wait all year for the possibility of Sun and shedding off those obnoxious layers of clothing that restrict them all winter. I feel the exact opposite, I find myself dreading the warm due to this obnoxious necessity of exposed flesh and the pure vulnerability of it all.
This experience this morning really made something click. Whereas before I wasn't really trying to lose weight. Maybe I was talking about it because I think when people see me they expect me to be trying. Truthfully I've slipped, I've gained weight back that I swore I never would. I have vivid memories of standing on scales and gleefully shouting goodbye to a certain weight with such gusto that I knew it would never come back. I was wrong. I lost control. Can I come back from this? I'm scared to try again. Scared to fail. Upset with myself for letting it get this far. Upset for forgetting how hard I worked and all that I sacrificed.
I hope I'm back. I think I'm back. I know I'm back.
I can do this because I need to do this.
Wish me luck and hope that I persevere because it isn't stating your goals that is difficult it is the follow through.
