Can you ever really go home again?

While I've heard this question be asked and debated several times in my short life I don't think it ever really made complete sense to me until quite recently. In the past week I have had my wisdom teeth yanked out and decided to move home; it is still up for debate which was more painful. Overall, a pretty productive week filled with life changing decisions. To be very honest I am still undecided on my move home because while it will be financially beneficial I'm not sure if that's how I envisioned my last few months of college. Don't get me wrong I love my family and I know they only drive me crazy because it is their job but I am a firm believer that sometimes it is healthy to complain even if you are blessed. That being said last night was quite literally the official- you are living at home wake up call. I feel as if it is important to preface this with maybe I have been spoiled by being able to come and go as I please and not having to answer to anyone. But last night when my phone went off at 12:08 am and I realized it wasn't a drunk friend waking me up but rather my mother I realized that those do what you want days/nights weren't going to be my life anymore. Openly being the mature 21 year old that I am I was taken back to why my Mom was checking in on me... I had to let the wheels turn for a few seconds before i realized that she probably thought I was dead. Okay understandable I probably should have sent her a text. It was only after this moment that I started to evaluate why everything seemed so different to me at my parents house. Here is the tally I came up with...

Things that are the same:
My annoying little brother (well actually he is even more annoying than I remembered)
Stepdad that has to have everything his way
The drive to Wilmington
My Mom waking me up at 7:30 am (did I mention that my class wasn't until 11?)

Things that are different:
Me
Me
And oh yeah, me

It was after trying to distinguish what was different that I realized that things hadn't changed I had... How sobering it is to realize that college did what it was supposed to do. That the whole crock of "college is where you find yourself" is actually true. Even more importantly it made me wonder how often are we truly changing as human beings without even noticing? Is it okay to evolve and change without reflecting? Because as I was sorting through my old high school things to make room for my cool college stuff I suddenly felt like I didn't know that girl anymore. While I know that some of her characteristics will always be a part of me it made me question if this new me really is any better than the old me? I guess that is something that is going to take some time to work on but I am getting started the only way I know how and that's talking about it. Don't be shocked if I don't actually figure all of this out because as usual I am certain that I will always have more questions than answers.

Out of all 12 of my followers I assume that you have gathered that I have always struggled with my weight and for some reason being back in this house has me scared to death. It's like I walk into the pantry here and I am overwhelmed by all of the delicious things that I can't allow myself to have. While I am all for all things in moderation what do you do when you are surrounded by pop tarts, cookies, and candy? It wasn't until I left home that I made any progress with weight loss and even though today I have gained some of that weight back I was still positive that I could reach my final goal. But tonight as I sit in this room that used to be my safe haven and maybe one day soon will be again I am faced with the same uncertainty if I have the stuff to really put all of me into losing weight. I know one thing and that is that I am sick of being the over weight friend, daughter, girlfriend, or _______. I know I need to face these problems head on and I have already started taking steps by meal planning with my Mom and being responsible with my snack choices. If only I could get back into the gym. That is my plan this next week to gradually start going again. I refuse to move to California before making some serious life changes and it is now or never and I really hope you will join me on this journey. I'm going to try my best to be raw and honest about how I am feeling but with that kind of typing I am hoping you will excuse me if I don't use a comma or semi colon exactly right :-)

So, if you ask me you can never really go home again because something will have always changed whether it be your attitude, education, or weight. But if you are lucky one thing should stay the same and that is a family who is glad you are there and maybe that will be enough to get me through it...

"That was the strange thing, that one did not know where one was going, or what one wanted, and followed blindly, suffering so much in secret, always unprepared and amazed and knowing nothing; but one thing led to another and by degrees something had formed itself out of nothing, so one reached at last this calm, this quiet, this certainty, and it was this process that people called living."
—Virginia Woolf, The Voyage Out

"Why the hell are we conditioned into the smooth strawberry-and-cream Mother-Goose-world, Alice-in-Wonderland fable, only to be broken on the wheel as we grow older and become aware of ourselves as individuals with a dull responsibility in life?"
— Sylvia Plath (The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath)

Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup

Is there really anything better than a bowl of chicken noodle soup on a cold day?


A couple of months ago my sister was very sick and I decided I wanted to make her something yummy that her stomach could handle. I came across this website that was titled "6 classic dishes everyone should know how to make." (to be fair if you are a vegetarian there is only one dish you can make)

It turned out to be the best chicken noodle soup I have ever had and that's why I wasn't surprised when I started craving it a few days ago. I took a few short cuts and used a rotisserie chicken and boxed broth but it was still scrumptious. I also left out the celery due to my personal taste.


^ the onion, garlic, carrots, celery, thyme, and bay leaf cooking down.


^ After the broth is added


^ Add the noodles and simmer for 5 minutes until tender


^ Fold in chicken then garnish with parsley

You can find the complete recipe here:
http://www.stylecaster.com/news/7758/6-classic-dishes-everyone-should-know-how-to-make

October

(last October)

In retrospect my pierogies are more commonly known in spanish speaking countries as empandas... epic (tasty) fail

I woke up this morning with the urge to express myself in a public and self actualizing way; so naturally I turned to my blog.

I feel as if October has somehow snuck up on me and I can't decide if it is because the universe it actually moving faster in relation to my upcoming college graduation or if I have been so consumed in everything else that I forgot to look at the date. No matter how it happened fall is here which will soon lead to winter and eventually spring which will be the end of my undergrad life. I feel as if right now I am in the first stage of the Kubler-Ross model (which may explain that ninja October). It's funny I always thought the end of college would be when I had it all figured out, the point in life where I am finally an adult worthy of financial gain and happy hours that don't end in black outs. Maybe this is because I have seen one too many post grad films that could have easily been directed by John Hughes but I digress... I just feel like more than ever right now I don't know what the fuck I am doing with my life. The fact that I don't even have a cohesive idea of what I would want to do is even more frightening to me. Don't get me wrong I am quite possibly the happiest I have ever been but I am also the most terrified. I have a theory that this could be because no one is ever allowed to be fully happy without the cloud of impending doom hanging over the heads. I'm in dire need of coffee and to get out of this house so enough of my winey college fears.

Here is a poem by Bert Meyers in honor of my recent fear of aging

Watercolor Days

"Pull up the shade, look outside.
November sent a card to you -
an antique world upon a shelf.

These are the watercolor days,
there's never been anything else.
Trees that have lost most of their leaves
are sketched and delicate and look
like music written in the air.

A faint blue wash and that's the sky.
One hill, neither green, nor brown,
Sunlight warms a tired wall's face.
A few clouds, a few old ladies
with twilight tinted hair..."