Breakdown

I had a low self esteem, self defeating moment today. I'm not proud of my actions or of the fact that I allowed myself to cower in fear instead of facing the world but stuff like this happens to everyone, right?

Here is the scene:
It was one of those mornings where you peacefully drift back to sleep after silencing your alarm only to wake up an hour later in pure panic mode. I catapulted out of bed and rushed to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I then proceeded to throw on an outfit without giving it very much thought. I then sloshed some coffee in a travel mug (essential) and sprinted to my car. Once in the car I realized I hadn't grabbed a sweater, not that I wanted due to the 80 degree weather. I NEEDED that sweater. My arms couldn't go out in public in a cap sleeve shirt, could they? I felt the need to roll over and die of embarrassment. Yes, all of this this melodrama over the idea of people seeing my arms. Needless to say I panicked... I turned the car around, parked at my house, and then went right back inside. During this whole time I knew I was being ridiculous but I just couldn't make myself face the world with these bare arms. How I envy my friends who wait all year for the possibility of Sun and shedding off those obnoxious layers of clothing that restrict them all winter. I feel the exact opposite, I find myself dreading the warm due to this obnoxious necessity of exposed flesh and the pure vulnerability of it all.

This experience this morning really made something click. Whereas before I wasn't really trying to lose weight. Maybe I was talking about it because I think when people see me they expect me to be trying. Truthfully I've slipped, I've gained weight back that I swore I never would. I have vivid memories of standing on scales and gleefully shouting goodbye to a certain weight with such gusto that I knew it would never come back. I was wrong. I lost control. Can I come back from this? I'm scared to try again. Scared to fail. Upset with myself for letting it get this far. Upset for forgetting how hard I worked and all that I sacrificed.

I hope I'm back. I think I'm back. I know I'm back.
I can do this because I need to do this.
Wish me luck and hope that I persevere because it isn't stating your goals that is difficult it is the follow through.

Happenings

yummy soft boiled egg with shredded basil and little toasts for dipping

I've become addicted to Skinny Iced Caramel Macchiatos


The start of chicken curry



Thai Chicken with Asparagus (recipe from Good Housekeeping)



Baked apple with cinnamon on top of 1/2 c non fat vanilla frozen yogurt and 1/2 a graham cracker that I crumbled


My new spinach breakfast scramble


I'll admit it, I've become obsessed with this new breakfast. I eat it every morning and find myself becoming sad when I am not home to make it. The best part about this dish is that it not only keeps me full but it's healthy.
1 egg + 1 egg white
1/2 cup frozen spinach (I typically add a little more but I LOVE spinach)
1 garlic and herb laughing cow cheese wedge
2 turkey sausage links (already cooked)
1 tsp canola oil (feel free to use spray I just add this to get a WW healthy oil in)

Whisk the egg and egg white together and then add the spinach to the eggs and whisk a little more. Heat oil over medium and then add egg mixture to pan. After the egg has cooked for about a minute add the cheese and sausage until it is fully incorporated.


Everyone deserves a little treat, right?

Mini Reeses and Mini Mint Chocolate cupcakes from Hot Pink Cake Stand

That's Amore

Have you ever had a weekend that seemed to nourish your soul? Right now as I am lying in bed reflecting on my weekend and absentmindedly watching Sex and The City I am able to really appreciate the past weekend. I was alone with a book and episodes of Criminal Minds, that I had been recording all week. There were bubble baths, plot twists, and chocolate... it was perfect. Saturday night a couple of my friends come over and we decided to make a pizza from scratch along with a chocolate cake. After we finished our pizza we wandered out for coffee and to stop by an old friends bon fire. I did something odd at the coffee shop, well at least it was odd for me. I ordered a hot chocolate rather than my typical coffee. Did I mention it had marshmallows? This is a step. A monumental step. I let myself enjoy something without obsessing about the fact that I was drinking liquid calories. I didn't even put up a fight when the barista accidentally made it with whole milk. I simply took the steaming chocolate filled delight and savored its heavenly aroma and pure taste. It was in that moment that I think everything clicked. For years I have been saying never deprive yourself and you can can have whatever you want in moderation, I don't think it was until this moment in my life that I actually did there was always that little voice in the back of my head going "you could have an apple instead." It felt good to control the hot chocolate and not vis versa and while for years I may have thought I had a handle on my eating I realize now I was wrong; I was being judged by the most harsh person I've ever met, myself. I think this is the first major change I've noticed and that I need to get accustomed with. At the end of the day food should be for pleasure not fuel and while there are a multitude of healthy alternatives to make your food scrumptious I think we should all remember that there is nothing wrong with the occasional hot chocolate.

Random Moments

(Don't you love it when you forget that you've ordered something)




Today I am thankful. Thankful for old friends, good food, and new life.
My pictures depict little parts of my day such as my delectable salad from Brasserie du Soleil with lemon vinaigrette and our Pot de Creme and Chocolate Peanut Butter Mousse desserts.


I miss California today. Not just for the yummy pho that lives there but mainly because my sister is ever so far away.

Broiled Grapefruit?

Breakfast: Mini bagel with garden vegetable cream cheese and hot tea: 200 calories
Lunch: Garlic Noodle bowl with chicken I sauteed in teriyaki sauce: 320 calories
Snack: a little less than half of a broiled grapefruit sprinkled with stevia: 45 calories and a dark chocolate with vanilla bean Godiva gem: 50 calories

Total thus far: 615

Two posts in one day! Unbelievable, right?
I desperately miss taking pictures of my meals, a weird thing to miss I know, so I figure that I will start that up again. In addition to my real accountability parter I want to involve you all in my continuance of the getting healthy campaign. While I don't want my 2011 to be primarily focused on weight loss it is still something that is going to be happening this year. Maybe I won't take pictures of everything I eat but I will provide the updates and hopefully they will be often.

Breakfast: 250 calories
Thomas mini bagel with cream cheese and lox: 215 calories
Cup of coffee with half and half: 25 calories
Tangerine: 10 calories

Lunch:
Spinach and cheese ravioli with marinara sauce and grilled chicken: 420 calories
Snack piece of sausage a grapefruit soda: 180

Dinner: Chips and salsa/ pita and hummus and one bite of a cookie

Total: 850 calories

In the new year

Happy New Year!

"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."
— Mark Twain

While I spent the majority of the first day of the new year in a day after too much champagne stupor,I have a sneaking suspicion that 2011 will be my favorite year yet. I know that this may be a wee bit premature considering that it is only the second day of the year but for me 2011 signifies something much more than another passing year; it is the year when everything changes. In a few short months I will be graduating from college and hopefully moving 2,000 miles away to the west coast. Each of these things are monumental in themselves but when combined they have the ability to be utterly terrifying.

In all honesty, I am way too excited to be scared at the moment. It feels like all of the little moments from the past 21 years are finally culminating and forcing me to push myself in ways that were previously unimaginable. So before I start talking about molting and condensing my life into sounding like an after school special I figure it is time to talk about goals.

First off I know that the beginning of the year is typically when people challenge themselves with seemingly impossible expectations such as: "this year i am going to lose 100 pounds, speak to animals, and learn to fly!" yada yada yada you get the point. This year I decided that my resolution would be something doable and most importantly something fun. So, without further ado my new years resolution is simply to wear lipstick. I believe this all sprouted from a certain eighties party a few months ago (picture to follow) where I decided it would be an awesome time to buy a tube of red lipstick that I had been coveting for weeks. While the wearing of the lipstick in the physical sense isn't really a big deal it is more about the feeling I got from trying something new and not being concerned about what people think. Ideally the wearing of the lipstick is meant to encourage me to be brave, take chances, and always be willing to try a new shade even if the old one is working for me. While I do have a few weight loss aspirations (and a new accountably partner) for the new year I am not allowing my weight to make or break how I feel. While I fully support others for making their new years resolution about weight loss goals I know that for me it would cause guilt and anger if I didn't fully succeed. I need my 2011 to be about acceptance and bettering more than just the physical. I hope you will all send me good vibes while I am seeking this acceptance and know that I wish you luck and courage this new year. I also hope that you have fun finding that perfect shade of lipstick or at the very least have fun searching for it.

Cheers

Drewe

Releasing Negative Energy

Have you ever just wanted to kick someone in the face. I feel like that has been a constant theme in my life the past few weeks; whether it be feeling like I was just kicked in the face or considering bringing physical pain to a fellow human being. I am typically a calm individual and by calm I mean passive aggressive but I have this one person in my life who I most of the time refuse to acknowledge because I in general think they are a negative force of energy that I do not do well around. But how do you get away from someone that you are forced to be in contact with? Or better yet how do you escape someone who is intent on making you want to scream? Enough of the rant and now onto my new positive energy mantra. I am done with people who just exist to drive me absolutely insane (whether they know it or not) and on this quest to be a better person I am going to start doing one little thing that makes me happy a day.

It is pretty simple like today I ate a pumpkin muffin and wore a sparkly headband.
So here is my list of little things that make me happy
1. Free refills on coffee even after you leave the coffee shop and come back (Thanks Wrightsville Bean Co & Cafe I love you)
2. tights
3. starting a new book
4. homemade pie
5. really homemade anything
6. perfume
7. pumpkin anything
8. Law and Order:SVU marathons
9. mexican food
10. the ocean
11. catching up with old friends
12. a charged cell phone
13. Glee
14. glitter
15. friend crushes (these are platonic crushes on people you want to be friends with)
16. pictures
17. people watching

Can you ever really go home again?

While I've heard this question be asked and debated several times in my short life I don't think it ever really made complete sense to me until quite recently. In the past week I have had my wisdom teeth yanked out and decided to move home; it is still up for debate which was more painful. Overall, a pretty productive week filled with life changing decisions. To be very honest I am still undecided on my move home because while it will be financially beneficial I'm not sure if that's how I envisioned my last few months of college. Don't get me wrong I love my family and I know they only drive me crazy because it is their job but I am a firm believer that sometimes it is healthy to complain even if you are blessed. That being said last night was quite literally the official- you are living at home wake up call. I feel as if it is important to preface this with maybe I have been spoiled by being able to come and go as I please and not having to answer to anyone. But last night when my phone went off at 12:08 am and I realized it wasn't a drunk friend waking me up but rather my mother I realized that those do what you want days/nights weren't going to be my life anymore. Openly being the mature 21 year old that I am I was taken back to why my Mom was checking in on me... I had to let the wheels turn for a few seconds before i realized that she probably thought I was dead. Okay understandable I probably should have sent her a text. It was only after this moment that I started to evaluate why everything seemed so different to me at my parents house. Here is the tally I came up with...

Things that are the same:
My annoying little brother (well actually he is even more annoying than I remembered)
Stepdad that has to have everything his way
The drive to Wilmington
My Mom waking me up at 7:30 am (did I mention that my class wasn't until 11?)

Things that are different:
Me
Me
And oh yeah, me

It was after trying to distinguish what was different that I realized that things hadn't changed I had... How sobering it is to realize that college did what it was supposed to do. That the whole crock of "college is where you find yourself" is actually true. Even more importantly it made me wonder how often are we truly changing as human beings without even noticing? Is it okay to evolve and change without reflecting? Because as I was sorting through my old high school things to make room for my cool college stuff I suddenly felt like I didn't know that girl anymore. While I know that some of her characteristics will always be a part of me it made me question if this new me really is any better than the old me? I guess that is something that is going to take some time to work on but I am getting started the only way I know how and that's talking about it. Don't be shocked if I don't actually figure all of this out because as usual I am certain that I will always have more questions than answers.

Out of all 12 of my followers I assume that you have gathered that I have always struggled with my weight and for some reason being back in this house has me scared to death. It's like I walk into the pantry here and I am overwhelmed by all of the delicious things that I can't allow myself to have. While I am all for all things in moderation what do you do when you are surrounded by pop tarts, cookies, and candy? It wasn't until I left home that I made any progress with weight loss and even though today I have gained some of that weight back I was still positive that I could reach my final goal. But tonight as I sit in this room that used to be my safe haven and maybe one day soon will be again I am faced with the same uncertainty if I have the stuff to really put all of me into losing weight. I know one thing and that is that I am sick of being the over weight friend, daughter, girlfriend, or _______. I know I need to face these problems head on and I have already started taking steps by meal planning with my Mom and being responsible with my snack choices. If only I could get back into the gym. That is my plan this next week to gradually start going again. I refuse to move to California before making some serious life changes and it is now or never and I really hope you will join me on this journey. I'm going to try my best to be raw and honest about how I am feeling but with that kind of typing I am hoping you will excuse me if I don't use a comma or semi colon exactly right :-)

So, if you ask me you can never really go home again because something will have always changed whether it be your attitude, education, or weight. But if you are lucky one thing should stay the same and that is a family who is glad you are there and maybe that will be enough to get me through it...

"That was the strange thing, that one did not know where one was going, or what one wanted, and followed blindly, suffering so much in secret, always unprepared and amazed and knowing nothing; but one thing led to another and by degrees something had formed itself out of nothing, so one reached at last this calm, this quiet, this certainty, and it was this process that people called living."
—Virginia Woolf, The Voyage Out

"Why the hell are we conditioned into the smooth strawberry-and-cream Mother-Goose-world, Alice-in-Wonderland fable, only to be broken on the wheel as we grow older and become aware of ourselves as individuals with a dull responsibility in life?"
— Sylvia Plath (The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath)

Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup

Is there really anything better than a bowl of chicken noodle soup on a cold day?


A couple of months ago my sister was very sick and I decided I wanted to make her something yummy that her stomach could handle. I came across this website that was titled "6 classic dishes everyone should know how to make." (to be fair if you are a vegetarian there is only one dish you can make)

It turned out to be the best chicken noodle soup I have ever had and that's why I wasn't surprised when I started craving it a few days ago. I took a few short cuts and used a rotisserie chicken and boxed broth but it was still scrumptious. I also left out the celery due to my personal taste.


^ the onion, garlic, carrots, celery, thyme, and bay leaf cooking down.


^ After the broth is added


^ Add the noodles and simmer for 5 minutes until tender


^ Fold in chicken then garnish with parsley

You can find the complete recipe here:
http://www.stylecaster.com/news/7758/6-classic-dishes-everyone-should-know-how-to-make

October

(last October)

In retrospect my pierogies are more commonly known in spanish speaking countries as empandas... epic (tasty) fail

I woke up this morning with the urge to express myself in a public and self actualizing way; so naturally I turned to my blog.

I feel as if October has somehow snuck up on me and I can't decide if it is because the universe it actually moving faster in relation to my upcoming college graduation or if I have been so consumed in everything else that I forgot to look at the date. No matter how it happened fall is here which will soon lead to winter and eventually spring which will be the end of my undergrad life. I feel as if right now I am in the first stage of the Kubler-Ross model (which may explain that ninja October). It's funny I always thought the end of college would be when I had it all figured out, the point in life where I am finally an adult worthy of financial gain and happy hours that don't end in black outs. Maybe this is because I have seen one too many post grad films that could have easily been directed by John Hughes but I digress... I just feel like more than ever right now I don't know what the fuck I am doing with my life. The fact that I don't even have a cohesive idea of what I would want to do is even more frightening to me. Don't get me wrong I am quite possibly the happiest I have ever been but I am also the most terrified. I have a theory that this could be because no one is ever allowed to be fully happy without the cloud of impending doom hanging over the heads. I'm in dire need of coffee and to get out of this house so enough of my winey college fears.

Here is a poem by Bert Meyers in honor of my recent fear of aging

Watercolor Days

"Pull up the shade, look outside.
November sent a card to you -
an antique world upon a shelf.

These are the watercolor days,
there's never been anything else.
Trees that have lost most of their leaves
are sketched and delicate and look
like music written in the air.

A faint blue wash and that's the sky.
One hill, neither green, nor brown,
Sunlight warms a tired wall's face.
A few clouds, a few old ladies
with twilight tinted hair..."

Daring Kitchen July

PIEROGIES!!
After I got the challenge I decided I wanted to make pierogies mexican.
So I went with cilantro pierogies filled with chicken that I slowed cooked with homemade salsa.

I will go further into the preparation later...

Fourth of July Weekend

My sister and I spent the fourth at our Dad's place. There were several late nights and relaxing beach days with some of my sister's friends from college. On the third we sat in a life guard stand and watched the fireworks explode over the ocean. I also ended up making enough salsa and guacamole to feed a small nation.




^ My new favorite summer accessory

Watermelon Granita:
My stepmother found this awesome recipe for watermelon granita that was super simple. The only issue was that it takes two hours to prepare... But it was very refreshing after a long day in the sun.
Watermelon Granita Recipe:
6 cups watermelon
1/2 lime juice
1/2 sugar or splenda (we used splenda because my Dad is diabetic if you do this I would recommend starting with 1/4 cup splenda since it tends to be sweeter)

Directions:
Puree watermelon then add lime and sugar. If you want to make it alcholic (which we did) Mix in 2/3 cup vodka. Then pour into a metal pan and freeze for two and a half hours stirring every hour to reduce ice crystals.

I served it out of half of the watermelon and garnished it with cucumber slices and it was a big hit!

Daring Kitchen

I did it! I signed up for the Daring Kitchen! I have been putting it off for months but after a lot of consideration and a little coaxing from my sister I finally decided I could do it. So wish me luck and I can not wait to blog about it.

Sister Friends

Did I mention my beautiful sister is in town from California for the entire summer?
I have a feeling this is going to be the best summer yet.

Fresh Start

I think I am ready to take this blog in a new direction... Make it more about life and less about food; don't get me wrong there will be yummy goodies and recipe adventures along the way they will just now be mixed in with the outside world. Since the last time I have been on here I have attended a leadership conference, a cousins wedding, and spent too many hours lounging lazily around.


I have spent a lot of this last week at the farmers market mainly exploring the world outside the super market. I bought vegetables I had never heard of and fell back on old staples. I bought fresh bread, flowers, and hybrid corn. So needless to say my culinary adventures have been endless this week. The cooking started with a tomato sauce and ended with a delectable eggplant parmesan; which then needed dessert in the form of banana brownies. As I sat down for a simple panini lunch I was suddenly overwhelmed with a feeling of accomplishment and cleanliness. I don't know if it was pride for all of my ingredients being fresh and local or of just eating better but I have never had food give me such a complete feeling. Today, I am going to make a rustic peach tart and find a use for my peaches and cream corn as well as the kohlrabi.



On a non food note I have also been organizing my room/life and picking out my summer novels. I started Mrs. Dalloway this week and plan on starting The Hours when I am done with it. I heard that reading Mrs. Dalloway before The Hours completely changes ways you view the novel. Also, I am looking for any book suggestions it doesn't matter what the genre is just give me books that you have fallen in love with.

Also, there is a giveaway going on right now for this adorable bag.
http://www.prettypleasedblog.com/2010/06/wednesday-giveawaygold-chain-bucket-bag.html
I am a huge fan of the store, Hallelu, in general because they have beautiful things and I can walk there.

It's good to be back


D